Does anyone know any good jokes?????

[Lady Luck]

This is my effort for today:

A lonely spinster, age 70, decided it was time to get married.
She put an ad in the paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED
MUST BE MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. She opened the door and, much to her dismay, saw a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you. You have no legs."
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands, either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between an English tank and an Iraqi Tank?

A: Don't ask me I'm American

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the oldest joke in the world:-

Q: What's worse than lobsters on your piano?

A: Crbsa on your organ

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The worst joke in the world:-

Two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

[Anonymous]

Guy whose wife just died found smiling while walking across her grave.

"Why are you smiling, your wife just died" asked a passer by.

Guy replies "For the first time, I know where my wife is going!"


Women tells man: I'll pay you $100 if you come to bed with me
Man replies: What if I don't feel sleepy ?


Just two of the top of my head.

[Danick]

fell into the trap and did what i thought i would never do. (posted as guest above without logging in)

ah well .. ces't la vie

[HeMan]

damn this one was killing me for hours

A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a
beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
G. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman
H. 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman

One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was
observed:

*One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian
woman.

*The two French men and the French woman! are living happily
together.

*The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they
alternate with the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the Greek woman is
cooking & cleaning for them.

* The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a
long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.

* The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the
island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.......

* The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them
to the Indian woman

* The 2 Australian men are looking for a piece of paper so they can
throw their mobile number at Australian woman.



hahahahahahahhahahh

[HeMan]

wat car names really mean lo000o0ol
AUDI
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Bimbette Motor Weapon
Break My Window

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every
Time
Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover
Engine
Technology

DODGE
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
Dead or Dying Gas Eater
Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!

FORD
First On Recall Day
First On Race Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R &; D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
Found On Russian Dump

GM
General Maintenance
Great Mistake

GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And
Inexpensive...

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind
Infuriatingly Late
Everywhere
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's
Irregular
Leftover
Equipment

PINTO
Put in new transmission often

PONTIAC
Poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Sorry Assed Auto Builders

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners

VW
Virtually Worthless

[Lady Luck]

In England we call BMW - Black Man's Wheels, coz that's the car of choice for most West Indians.
Liked the desert Island joke, in February me and my mate were stood at a phone booth on Rigga trying to phone back to the UK when a guy drove pass and threw a piece of paper at paper at me. Turned out it was his phone number and it was then I realised that the guys driving past us thought we were hoes. That's why the same cars were driving past all the times. That's the problem for us English girls in Australia, coz we wear Western clothes Australian guys think we're Russians selling our asses.

[HeMan]

hahahahahhahahahah i aint lyin it all facts hahahahahhaha lo0o0o0o0l

[Mikhayah]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, and then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jim went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. While they were visiting Jerusalem, Jim's mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in hand, Jim went to the American Consulate to arrange to send the body back to the States for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing about the death of the mother-in-law, told Jim that sending a body back to the U.S. for burial is very expensive; it could cost as much as $5,000.
The Consul continues: "In most cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150."
Jim thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says Jim. "You see, I know the story of a person buried here in Jerusalem many years ago. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was a really hot day and this blonde decided to go buy a can of Coke. She went to the Coke machine and when she put her money in, a can of Coke came out -- so she kept putting money in.
Now since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy in line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"
And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”.
10. You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog’s legs.
4. If there’s a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people’s countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don’t have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you’re a great lover even when you’re not.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3. You can legally kill yourself / legally be killed
4. You’re exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.....
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it’s a national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you’ve never seen your neighbors.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country.
3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4. You are either
· like the Dutch, just less efficient
· like the French, just less romantic
· like the Germans
5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders
10. Face it. It’s not really a country, is it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH
1. You ain’t English!
2. You ain’t English!
3. You ain’t English!
4. You ain’t English!
5. You ain’t English!
6. You ain’t English!
7. You ain’t English!
8. You ain’t English!
9. You ain’t English!
10. You ain’t English!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you're religiously oversensitive, don't read the next jokes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Mafioso’s son is sitting at his desk, writing a Christmas list to Jesus.

First he writes, "Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

Then he gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door.
He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear Baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's black & white and tells the pope to FUCK OFF?
A nun that just won the lottery.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A modern couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah four counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man says: We realize it’s a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women.
But at out wedding reception, we’d like your permission to dance together.
bsaolutely not, says the Mullah. It’s immoral. Men and women always dance separately.

So after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?
No, answered the Mullah, It’s forbidden in Islam.

Well, okay, says the man, What about sex? Can we finally have sex?
Of course!, replies the Mullah, Allah ho Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!

What about different positions? asks the man.
Allah ho Akbar! No problem, says the Mullah.

Woman on top? the man asks.
Sure, says the Mullah. Allah ho Akbar. Go for it!

Doggy style? Sure!
Allah ho Akbar!

On the kitchen table?
Yes, yes! Allah ho Akbar!

Can we do it with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harness, and a bucket of honey?
You may, indeed. Allah ho Akbar!

Can we do it standing up?
NO, says the Mullah
Why not? asks the man.
Because that could lead to dancing.

[DesertDruid]

heres a good one for women

a small boy holds his testicles and asks his mom " Mommy , are these my brains ?"
mom replies " not yet son , they will be when you grow up"

[Ridan]

Here's a lousy one I can think of.

Why do men masturbate infront of a mirror?

Object in the mirror appear bigger than they are.

[Kayl]

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

[HeMan]

damnnn that was sick hahahaahhah tha last line hahahahahhah was crazy