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DRIVING IN BRISBANE: A SIX PART GUIDE FOR BEGINNERS; PART 1
#1
DRIVING IN BRISBANE: A SIX PART GUIDE FOR BEGINNERS

So you’ve passed all the tests, attained your driver’s license, and now you’re ready to hit the open road alone? Congratulations on completing this right of passage; this coming of age. After 18 years of being classed as a child, the keys to adulthood freedom are finally yours. But just before you jump in your vehicle, fire the engine and disappear over the far blue horizon, there are some things you should know about driving in and around the spectacular city of Brisbane. We encourage you to read the following guide thoroughly to ensure that you have all of the knowledge and know-how you need to make a seamless transition from being a ‘beginner’ driver to being a ‘Brisbane’ driver. Once again, congratulations on your exciting achievement, and may all your journeys be safe and pleasant.

PART 1:

1) Choosing the right vehicle: We are a society obsessed with image. The unfortunate reality is that the way we look and the things we own are considered vastly more important than anything we actually say or do. The people around us simply do not have the time, or are unwilling to invest the time, to engage in conversation with us to find out who we really are, so instead they make value judgments on us based on what they see.

And so, just like the clothes you wear, your hairstyle and the ringtone you have on your mobile phone; the type of motor vehicle you drive will be read by others as a statement about your personality, your lifestyle and your financial status. It goes without saying then that choosing the right vehicle for you is of critical importance.

Before making a final purchase, spend some time thinking about what you would like your vehicle to communicate to others, and then find a make and model that best represents this. For example, if you want your vehicle to say that you are young, fun and funky, try going for a racy little hatchback. If you would like people to know that you love adventure and the great outdoors, then a sporty four wheel drive is the best bet for you. And as a final example, if you want your vehicle to say that you are a cashed-up tosser who is going through a post-divorce mid-life crisis, then any imported coupe` convertible will do.

Remember though, the statement your vehicle makes does not necessarily have to be a true reflection of reality. Many people use their vehicles to compensate for a range of imperfections and insecurities, or to disguise the fact that their lives are actually quite mundane.



2) Before you start the engine: Once you have made a purchase, it is important to acquaint yourself with the features of the vehicle before you commence driving. To assist you with this process, we will now discuss some of the features which are common to most vehicles and how you, as a Brisbane driver, will use these features.


i) The Steering Wheel: As a Brisbane driver, you will use this primarily as a surface on which to rest reading materials, however it can also be used to control the vehicle’s direction of travel.


ii) The Accelerator, Brake and Clutch (manual transmissions only):

These foot-operated pedals are used to propel the vehicle, to slow the vehicle, and to change gears, respectively. On the very rare occasion that you experience traffic congestion while driving in Brisbane, you will alternate between these pedals on a regular basis.
Example: Accelerator, Brake, Clutch, Brake, Accelerator, Brake, Clutch, Brake.


iii) The Indicator Lever: Just ignore this; as a Brisbane driver, you’ll never use it.


iv) The rearview mirror: Considered by many female Brisbane drivers to be the vehicle’s most important feature. Ideal for use as a vanity mirror while you’re on the go. You might want to touch up your foundation, curl your eyelashes or rub that wayward lipstick off your front incisors. Men can also use this mirror for last minute nostril hair inspections. Your driving instructor may have told you that the rearview mirror is actually a vital tool for monitoring the location of vehicles behind you, but this is nothing more than a paranoid myth devised by a group of mediocre drivers. As they say, if you can’t do – teach. And even if by some wild stretch of the imagination this was true, you’ve got your license now, so what are they gonna’ do?


For information regarding the location and use of your vehicle’s other features, refer to the Manufacturer’s handbook. This can usually be found buried under all the crap you’ll have stuffed in the glove compartment.



This concludes Part 1 of ‘Driving in Brisbane.’

#2
Good one, Ben!
When do we get the rest? I'm hoping to drive into Brisbane one day, but from sleepy Tewantin I fear I may not have the skills you so helpfully offer.



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