07-05-2005, 11:28 PM
Holidays should be for everyone, but it seems to be less and less the case. Let's face it; many of the holidays on our calendar are designed primarily with women's interests in mind. I mean, how much are you and your buddies really getting out of Secretary's Day? I don't have a secretary.
Leave The Toilet Seat Up Day
- September 4th
The toilet seat's position -- up or down -- is a classic struggle that has divided the sexes since people moved beyond squatting in a ditch. To try to get your way more than one day a year, you might point out that the toilet seat situation actually contains a valuable message: look before you leap.
Quiet Day
- March 6th
A day when men are entitled to no incessant talking from the women in their lives, about toilet seats or anything else. 'Nuff said.
Say Anything Day (SAD)
- November 30th
Women always want us to be honest with them; here's their chance to hear what we really think. The same goes for your boss, your mechanic, and your bank manager. You can get away with saying anything and not get in trouble because of it -- not directly, at least. When only one person plays by these rules, the results can be both funny and unfortunate (check out Liar Liar). If people all over observe this practice on the same day, though, the military will be involved before noon. And if you really think about it, the day after, which would soon be dubbed Retribution Day, would just suck. As diplomacy is the soul of civility, Say Anything Day is just a bad idea altogether. Forget I said anything. Instead, how about...
No Crap Allowed Day
- July 5th
If we put up with women's mood shifts for four days out of every month, we're certainly entitled to one day out of the year when No Crap is Allowed. On NCA Day, women could not:
Overanalyze anything.
Hint: if you don't say it, we're not responsible for it.
Ask entrapping questions (e.g. Does this dress make me look fat? Do you think she's pretty? What are you thinking about?).
Twist compliments. ("What do you mean you like my hair like this? You don't like how I usually do it?")
Nag. Period.
Ask for pillow talk and/or foreplay. To start sex, just go at it. To finish, shoot, shut up and snooze.
Make it the day after Independence Day, which is already tough enough to navigate hung-over. The other 364 days of the year, women will do what they must.
Fashion Amnesty Day
- May 20th
Most men like to look good, but fashion sense occurs rarely in the wild among males of the human species. In other words, looking good requires mental effort that saps the brainpower men need for other things like yelling at the TV while watching football. On Fashion Amnesty Day, the deal would be that men leave the house wearing the ensemble that first occurred to them (admittedly, many of us already enjoy this holiday). This is slightly more involved than WT Day. But only slightly. On FAD, white tube socks with sport sandals, those lime Zubaz pants you've always been partial to and the Judas Priest iron-on concert shirt would be more than just a plausible outfit. It would be stylin'. This fest should fall near Memorial Day, when most of us have yet to unearth our summer clothes.
Superhero Day
- March 31st
Although I don't have the ability to grant men actual superhuman powers, the idea here is that others would pretend and react as if you had them. Without dressing up, any perfectly sane male could choose to impersonate -- and have the experience of being seen as -- his favorite superhero. If you were Superman -- an obvious choice, sure, but still solid -- people around you would wear no clothes (simulating X-ray vision) and submit to and lose handily at arm wrestling matches. We might have to stop short of flying, though. This day seems linked to April Fool's Day, and therefore should be near it.
Sports Day
- October 18th
Men around the globe are entitled to a combination of watching and playing sports with other men only -- and without interruptions from women -- for a whole day. Some flag football or a game of baseball, followed by a World Series game on the tube with a heavyweight championship chaser. Some stogies, a few single malts, maybe some billiards. And no obligation to call and check in with the ball and chain until tomorrow. Sweet... As Super Bowl Sunday is already its own festival, this holiday should fall during the World Series.
it's time to celebrate
Leave The Toilet Seat Up Day
- September 4th
The toilet seat's position -- up or down -- is a classic struggle that has divided the sexes since people moved beyond squatting in a ditch. To try to get your way more than one day a year, you might point out that the toilet seat situation actually contains a valuable message: look before you leap.
Quiet Day
- March 6th
A day when men are entitled to no incessant talking from the women in their lives, about toilet seats or anything else. 'Nuff said.
Say Anything Day (SAD)
- November 30th
Women always want us to be honest with them; here's their chance to hear what we really think. The same goes for your boss, your mechanic, and your bank manager. You can get away with saying anything and not get in trouble because of it -- not directly, at least. When only one person plays by these rules, the results can be both funny and unfortunate (check out Liar Liar). If people all over observe this practice on the same day, though, the military will be involved before noon. And if you really think about it, the day after, which would soon be dubbed Retribution Day, would just suck. As diplomacy is the soul of civility, Say Anything Day is just a bad idea altogether. Forget I said anything. Instead, how about...
No Crap Allowed Day
- July 5th
If we put up with women's mood shifts for four days out of every month, we're certainly entitled to one day out of the year when No Crap is Allowed. On NCA Day, women could not:
Overanalyze anything.
Hint: if you don't say it, we're not responsible for it.
Ask entrapping questions (e.g. Does this dress make me look fat? Do you think she's pretty? What are you thinking about?).
Twist compliments. ("What do you mean you like my hair like this? You don't like how I usually do it?")
Nag. Period.
Ask for pillow talk and/or foreplay. To start sex, just go at it. To finish, shoot, shut up and snooze.
Make it the day after Independence Day, which is already tough enough to navigate hung-over. The other 364 days of the year, women will do what they must.
Fashion Amnesty Day
- May 20th
Most men like to look good, but fashion sense occurs rarely in the wild among males of the human species. In other words, looking good requires mental effort that saps the brainpower men need for other things like yelling at the TV while watching football. On Fashion Amnesty Day, the deal would be that men leave the house wearing the ensemble that first occurred to them (admittedly, many of us already enjoy this holiday). This is slightly more involved than WT Day. But only slightly. On FAD, white tube socks with sport sandals, those lime Zubaz pants you've always been partial to and the Judas Priest iron-on concert shirt would be more than just a plausible outfit. It would be stylin'. This fest should fall near Memorial Day, when most of us have yet to unearth our summer clothes.
Superhero Day
- March 31st
Although I don't have the ability to grant men actual superhuman powers, the idea here is that others would pretend and react as if you had them. Without dressing up, any perfectly sane male could choose to impersonate -- and have the experience of being seen as -- his favorite superhero. If you were Superman -- an obvious choice, sure, but still solid -- people around you would wear no clothes (simulating X-ray vision) and submit to and lose handily at arm wrestling matches. We might have to stop short of flying, though. This day seems linked to April Fool's Day, and therefore should be near it.
Sports Day
- October 18th
Men around the globe are entitled to a combination of watching and playing sports with other men only -- and without interruptions from women -- for a whole day. Some flag football or a game of baseball, followed by a World Series game on the tube with a heavyweight championship chaser. Some stogies, a few single malts, maybe some billiards. And no obligation to call and check in with the ball and chain until tomorrow. Sweet... As Super Bowl Sunday is already its own festival, this holiday should fall during the World Series.
it's time to celebrate
"I smoke two joints before I smoke two joints,,,,,and then i smoke two more" Sublime